More Musings...

I apologize that is has been so long since I have updated. I keep meaning to make a substantial post, but inevitably get distracted/busy/side-railed with other priorities. But this blog is still very important to me so I thought I would share what little I do have completed to share, which happens to be some various musings I've had while thinking about my life and experiences. Some of them are self-reflections, some are joyful realizations, some may even seem critical or sad, but I want you all to know that this is my way of dealing with doubts. And in the end, when all is said and done, I am very optimistic, grateful, and content with my life. I hope you enjoy.


Musings...


The weather has been strange.
It was hot and bright well into October. 
Then suddenly the cold Autumn arrived, drastically chilling the air. 
Soon after the typhoon came, a treacherous storm. 
When it rains here is pours. 
I have slowly been changing as well. 
This sojourn in Japan has begun to polish me and sharpen the defining lines of my person. 
I am slowly emerging, like a statue, from the carving block
Developing substance and form.
I am beginning to realize my own strength, or at very least realizing I am not as fragile as I thought myself to be. 
I am independent and capable of taking care of myself. 
I do not need anyone. 
However, while I might now know that I am perfectly capable of living by myself and being on my own, I do not wish to live my life that way. 
I choose to fill my life with companions and loved ones.
It is easy to gain a new, stronger optimism when one can no longer afford angst.  
What is it that I am really trying to achieve here? 
Its only been two months since I left home, but why did I leave in the first place?
To improve my Japanese.  To have an adventure. To get better acquainted with myself. To better understand what I want to spend my life doing in the future. To learn gratitude.  


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I feel very silly sometimes, very lost other times. 

At times there is a pressure, whose source I am unsure of, pushing down on me and judging my actions.

I want to be happy and live my life to the fullest and I don’t want to waste it.

But why do I have so many regrets? 

Why is it so difficult to live in the moment and so much easier to plan for the future and dwell on the past?

When did time become a commodity that can be spent wisely or wasted?

It feels like there are so many things I want to be that I’m not. 

So many things I want to do that I don’t. 

Where is my fire or passion or genius? 

What truly matters to me?

It seems important to me to be good at something - to dive into a passion with reckless abandon, with all my heart. 

It doesn’t even matter much what it is: games, singing, acting, writing, music, computer programming, MTG, cooking, anything. 

As long as it’s pursued passionately, even obsessively. 

My life seems dull in comparison to those caught up in the moment. 

Is there anything I care about that much in the whole world that I would dedicate my  life to it?

Is there something I couldn’t live without that is ceaselessly desirable and would always be important and indispensible in my life?

I am weary of these shades of gray. 

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It’s as if I can see my adult life taking form before me. 
I am on the precipice of adulthood. 
And there are so many choices to make. 
I will be graduating with two BAs soon, but after that? 
While in Japan my life has been very focused and most of the important decisions are left to wait until my return home. 
Almost all my concentration goes towards studying Japanese and having adventures. 
But I am left with a lot of time to myself, a lot of time alone with my thoughts. 
I am so utterly an intellectual. 
I love to learn, and never want to stop. 
But there are more things in this life that I want to do then there seems to actually be time for. 
I want to be a Neurological Anthropologist like Oliver Sacks, or a Social Linguist like my mentor Ohta-sensei, or spend the rest of my days writing and being published. 
There are so many careers that sound fascinating to me but can I pursue them all? 
I need a great synthesis. 
Will I go on to graduate school and get my PhD? 
Could I make it through medical school? 
Or continue with Anthropology and do ethnographic research? 
I guess the conclusion I’ve come to is that I want to be a Neuro-linguistic Anthropologist. 
Language is fascinating and a uniquely human characteristic (at least complex, sophisticated, verbal language is). 
I want to study humans, but I need to understand the intricacies of human brains in order to begin to appreciate how we as a species are capable of culture and language in the first place. 
This is my synthesis. 


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Thank you! And I promise to try and finish writing some more substantial posts about my experiences in Tokyo and at Keio, so I'll be able to update soon.